I recently read this post on The Everygirl, which inspired me to do my own version of what Claire, the writer of the article, did in her piece. As you may remember, last year I was ghosted by a lovely-not-so-lovely guy. I won’t say his real name because it’s quite unique compared to Jason, the name used in Claire’s article. However, I was so inspired by her method of thinking so I thought it would be a good way to try it out with this situation. So, yes, we went on four dates and then he ghosted me.
Like Claire, I was totally thrown off when this guy ghosted me. I mean we had kissed and he offered to drive me home the last night I saw him. He waited for my friend to pick me up and he seemed like a perfect gentleman. I, too, felt like he rejected me when I realized there would be no more dates together. So, now that it’s been over a year that this happened, I want to bring myself back to that time so I can learn from it. Basically, I wish I would’ve seen Claire’s article sooner!
Let’s plug in the crappy thought- Emilio* rejected me- and reverse it. This means that I rejected Emilio. Now, let’s find three instances where I can support this.
1.He mentioned not having a good relationship with his mom and dad.
There’s nothing really wrong with having a different family life. I, too, don’t have a good relationship with my dad. However, I adore my mom and I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t have the same loyalty to at least one parent. Family is something that is really important to me and it seemed like he just wasn’t happy with his.
2. He was 22, not in school, and didn’t seem ambitious.
As mentioned in my post, this guy was fresh off the boat from another country. However, he told me that he dropped out of university in his home country when he got a green card to come here to work and study. He was working two jobs, at a restaurant and a pizza shop, and taking English classes. He told me that he wanted to be a doctor. Later, he said that he hated how when he graduated high school he never got to see his friends anymore because they were in different classes at the university. He also mentioned that his family wants all the kids to go to university, almost like it was a bad thing.
He just didn’t have the same drive as me and we were just on two different terms in that aspect.
I’m an incredibly ambitious person. When I met him, I had studied abroad in three different countries, had my Bachelor’s and had started my Master’s degree. School is a huge thing for me and I am a super driven person. He just didn’t have the same drive as me and we were just on two different terms in that aspect.
3. He wanted to move faster than I did.
The last time we saw each other, he went from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds. I was more interested in getting to know him as a person before moving any further. He had other plans and I wasn’t ready for that.
4. BONUS: He rarely asked about myself!
I can be more of a listener but it was a red flag that he didn’t ask about me as much. For example, I would ask him about his life in his home country, but he never asked me about the places I’ve been or even what my favorite color was. It seemed like he was always talking about himself and never was really interested in my personal interests or experiences. In fact, when I started to bring up my past relationships after asking him about his, he seemed immediately disinterested. That was a turnoff.
He had other plans and I wasn’t ready for that.
So, as you can see, it was really me who rejected him with good reason! I want someone who cares about education as much as me, who has a good relationship with their family, and who is interested to know me as a person. Like Claire, it would’ve been nice if he had the courage to be honest and direct with me, but that’s not what happened. I know I’m a good person and I know what I’m looking for. Instead of thinking, “what’s wrong with me?” I want to switch the focus to all the good things that I am.
I really like this exercise because it helps change your thinking when it comes to things like this. We get so caught up in the other person that we forget about our standards and our needs. So, the bottom line here is that Emilio just wasn’t the right guy for me and that’s okay. In a sense, I really did reject him.
*Name changed
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Question of the day: Have you been ghosted before? If so, can you do a short-form of the exercise above in the comments?
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Photo by Angelina Litvin on Unsplash