I was ghosted. It was the first time that it had ever happened to me and it SUCKED. Many people have many definitions of what ghosting is. Sure, ghosting is just texting, never meeting, and then it just fizzles. But then there’s ghosting when you go on dates, make plans to see each other, gentleman caller-like things, and sweet compliments. Only then to find out that this person is never going to call you back after a month or so of dating. Yeah, the latter happened to me.
Like many girls, I ran through the typical “was it me?” or “did I do something wrong?” I thought that maybe I wasn’t good enough for him. If you’ve ever been ghosted by someone you thought you had a good connection with, you’d understand how annoying it is. I mean it is quite the annoyance! You know the 5 stages of grief? Well, when it comes to getting over someone who has ghosted you, there’s about 16 stages of grief.
Like many girls, I ran through the typical “was it me?” or “did I do something wrong?”
You see, I was ghosted back in March and didn’t really get over it until the end of May. Long time to hold a grudge, right? I agree. I mean, I only knew this guy for about a month or so! But in that time, I thought highly of him. He opened doors for me, took me out to dinner, paid for my movie, etc. It’s not hard to get on my good side. All you have to do is be a gentleman.
Everything seemed fine. The last time I saw him, he offered to drive me home twice. I knew I was going to be drinking that night so I was dropped off earlier that evening. As we said goodbye, we shared a kiss and I thought about what we might do for the next date. The next date never came. I got a little bitter, then in denial, then angry, then upset, then self-deprecating, then angry again, then upset again. You can see where I’m going with this, right? It was almost like we had broken up, but we didn’t. It was such a foreign feeling to me. Have you ever felt this before?
So, why did it take me so long to get over being ghosted?
Honestly, I had nothing better to do than to obsess over why this good connection got lost in translation (quite literally because he was foreign). I had this picture built up in my head that this guy was going to be my hot foreign boyfriend and he’d save me from my misery. It’s so dramatic but I think a lot of women would relate to picturing the guy they’re dating to eventually become their boyfriend (if they feel a genuine connection).
This guy? This guy was the real deal and the resolution to my singledom. Boy, was I mistaken! Yes, he was sweet and kind. And yes, he opened the doors for me and told me that he liked everything about me. However, in hindsight perhaps he was just trying to get in my pants all along.
Why Do I Think I Was Ghosted?
I’m not telling the full story, but our final date was the date of red flags. I mean red flags, red flags everywhere! I didn’t even notice them until after I was ghosted. When you’re in this situation and you’re being swooned, you tend to ignore the red flags. My suggestion? Don’t.
So, ultimately this guy did me a favor. When I wouldn’t sleep with him that night, he asked me if I was a lesbian. Rude. Then he asked me if I was crazy. Super rude. He also tried to coerce me to go further than I wanted. Emphasis on tried. I’m not easily persuaded. I get it. He wanted sex, but he just wasn’t going to get it from me. I’m a relationship type of girl, not a hookup type of girl (not knocking on those who are). After I reached the rational stage of all of this grief, I realized that we were just two different people on two different paths. We just weren’t compatible.
So, why do I think I was ghosted? I honestly don’t know. I’ve thought about it and thought about it. The only person who could tell me is him. Quite frankly, it’s too bad that he missed out on a really cool girl.
Was I Good Enough for Him?
No, I wasn’t good enough for him. I find that when you are ghosted, you shouldn’t ask yourself this question. It usually never has anything to do with you and everything to do with the person who ghosted you. So no, I wasn’t good enough for him. I was too good for him. People like that don’t deserve good sincere women. They’re often too scared to be honest with themselves or with others. Sure, it would’ve been nice for him to just send a text saying, “Hey, you’re a great person, but this isn’t the right time for me,” but he didn’t. However, I can’t focus on the past and neither should you (if you’ve been ghosted).
It usually never has anything to do with you and everything to do with the person who ghosted you.
So, being ghosted totally sucks. We’re all human and we all handle situations in different ways. At the end of the day, people shouldn’t ghost other people. However, people are going to do what they want to do. The worst part is when social media is involved.
Related: Why Dating Has Always Sucked For Us
So, What Have I Learned?
Honestly, men are clueless when it comes to emotions. I want to believe that most of the time they don’t know that they’re hurting your feelings when they do this. I’m sure if I told him that it hurt my feelings when I realized I was being ghosted, he’d say sorry. Overall, he’s not a bad guy and I wish him the best!
Guys ghost women for many different reasons. Some are valid and some are just excuses. My number one tip is to just let it go. Don’t be confrontational or crazy (even though guys make you crazy sometimes). It’s all a part of life at the end of the day.
So, have you ever been ghosted before? Doesn’t it suck? Share your stories down in the comments!
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Photo by Jase Bloor on Unsplash
I haven’t been ghosted, but one of my friends has. She was really upset, as they were supposed to go away for the weekend and he never turned up. She later found out he was with another girl (on the same weekend trip!). I have had guys trying to make me go further than I want with them, to which I had the same reaction as you did when I said ‘no’. You are definitely right, you are much to good for this man.
Hi Katey! I’m so sorry about your friend! I would be really upset as well! Thank you so much for reading!
I’ve never been ghosted before but to be honest I feel like if I do get ghosted I won’t handle it well, I’ll probably go through those 16 phases of grief as well. Reading this was like a brilliant pre-warning though for if this does happen to me!
Julia // The Sunday Mode
Ghosting is the worst, mainly because there is no closure. This was the only time I’d ever been ghosted and although I think it’s common, I think knowing that what you’re feeling is common as well. I think I thought I was a being a bit silly when I was sad about it.
Thankfully, I haven’t been ghosted, but then again I haven’t gone on very many dates either! I am glad though that you didn’t allow the guy to go further than you wanted. I hope that you will find a guy that will value your whole person—not just your body or what you can offer him. From what I have observed about relationships of all types (not just romantic/dating), if a person really loves and cares for you they will have the best for you in mind, and they will not just be looking out for number one. I think you WERE good enough for him….it was he that didn’t deserve you.
Hi Patricia! I found myself nodding to everything you wrote! You are so very right!
I just got ghosted for the first time in my life about 2 weeks ago. I’m 38 so I guess I’ve dodged this bullet until now. Worst and most unique pain I’ve felt. We dated for about a month and a half but for the first 75% of the relationship he was the one into me, when I finally started getting feelings, I told him. One day he texted me non stop while I was at work, I couldn’t respond. Later he asked worriedly “Am I being ghosted?” I had to tell him that he was crazy, that I’d never do that to him and that I was slammed at work. He started responding less to my texts. We had plans to meet up in LA while my friends and I were at some trade shows up there. He never responded again.
I did the one ting you shouldn’t do, I texted and pleaded for an answer as to why, what did I do wrong? Our connection was strong, we had a lot in common, we were very similar people. Never got a reply.
I know that he just recently broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years, about 3 months ago. He caught her cheating.
I didn’t get closure yet but I’m trying to convince myself it’s too soon, and his fear of me possibly rejecting him, or ghosting him, or hurting him the same way, led him to do it to me first. I’m guessing he was just trying to protect himself.
I don’t know but it sounds good to me.
Hi Marissa! That’s tough! I never asked my ghoster what went wrong because I felt like I wouldn’t get an honest answer anyway. I think there are many reasons why people ghost others, none of which seem like good reasons to me, but I kind of boil it all down to an easy way out. They don’t want to deal with the emotions of another person and feel guilty for hurting someone’s feelings. After all, telling someone that’s really into you that you don’t feel the same hurts. So, I get why people would rather detach themselves and just slowly fade away. On the other hand, you’re still a human being and you deserve better than that. I’ve come to accept with my story that I will never get closure, so I have to treat that silence as closure. Stay strong and I promise the right person will come along!