I love it when I get super inspired to write a blog post, mostly because I love sharing my opinion to help others. Recently, I came across a post from The Everygirl called, “I thought Hookup Culture Ended After College…“. I have to admit that I never thought this because I just never participated in hookup culture. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic when it comes to dating. However, I have had my fair share of ghosting. From those experiences, along with being the single friend surrounded by couples, I notice that hookup culture isn’t always to blame!
Not Knowing What You Want
I have been completely guilty of not knowing what I want. When I first started college, I thought I just wanted someone to like me, just one person. Then I felt like I really wanted a relationship and the next day boys sucked. So, I think I was ultimately confused during those times. Thankfully no one came along while I was trying to decipher all of this, but what if someone had?
When you’re confused yourself in what you want, inevitably you’ll confuse others. Maybe you have no expectations and you voice this to the other person; therefore, they think you have no expectations. However, you’re completely in your right to change your mind. On the other hand, if you’re constantly flip-flopping your views and opinions on the matter, it can be even harder for the other person to understand or even know. If you have good communication skills, voicing your changes will be best. However, if communication is hard for you, I would try to avoid relationships altogether.
Missing The Signs
I think when we really like someone, we often miss big signs! I was dating this guy who told me about the awful relationship with his parents. Further, he told me about his wild nights partying. At the time, I didn’t realize these could be negative signs. After all, this guy was really cute and seemed like he was interested in me. The thing is that you cannot ignore these signs. Really listen to the person and hear what they’re saying. Talk it over with someone you trust and gain clarity, especially in times when you have even the slightest gut feeling that something is wrong.
Justifications
One time, this guy tried to go from 0 to 100 and even though I was completely turned off by this, I still justified wanting to see him again. I’ve also seen this with people who are in relationships. If you’re an empath, it can be incredibly dangerous because some people will prey on you. So, whenever you find yourself saying, “well he’s better than the last guy I was with,” or “well he does this thing that really hurts my feelings, but I still love him,” you need to realize that you might be making justifications for someone who doesn’t deserve you.
Savior Complex
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen women fall into the savior complex category. I knew this one person who fell for a guy who didn’t have a college degree or a job. She felt like she could somehow help him or save him. The only thing is that sometimes you can’t save these people and raise them up. The guy ended up not getting a job, became a major mooch, and was also abusive to her. After about 7 years, she had it and moved on.
Thinking you can change someone is one of the worst things you can do. The truth is that many people won’t change and you can lose valuable time and money over someone like that. In especially abusive situations, it can be mentally draining and you end up in a vicious cycle. With hookup culture, you may think, “well this might turn into a relationship,” or “he’ll change and see that I’m the one for him”. Don’t do this to yourself; either communicate or leave.
Having The Wrong Mindset About Dating
This is by far the biggest reason why I think people get it wrong when characterizing hookup culture as a problem with dating. There are two parts that I want to cover: thinking that your dating pool is small and not sticking to your standards. Let’s talk about the latter first!
When you don’t stick to your standards, you start to miss the signs or make justifications for a person. I’ve definitely questioned if my standards are too high and that maybe I expect too much of a potential person to date. However, there’s a huge difference between outrageous and unattainable standards and high standards. The latter is better and someone who is worth your time and wants the same things you do will rise to meet them.
When you don’t stick to your standards, you start to miss the signs or make justifications for a person.
I think the former is often the cause of the latter. Thinking your dating pool is small is incredibly dangerous, if you ask me. The reason I say this is because it creates the illusion that if someone is decent enough then that’s the best out there. I simply refuse to believe this is true. There are good quality people in the world, but the thing is that you have to be patient in order to find them. Having the mindset of, “oh my god, I want to meet someone now and everyone I meet sucks and there are no good men anymore,” is not the mindset you need to have.
Honestly, I would say that you kind of have to be nonchalant, more like, “well if it happens, it’ll happen”. Of course, when you meet someone don’t ignore the signs, make justifications for them, or think you can change them. Rather, you should be interested in getting to know this person for who they are. If your values match, then great!
Dating can be hard when you really want something to happen. However, I believe the best thing you can do is to chill! Also, you should put down the dating apps, but that’s another post for another day.
Question of the day:
What reasons would you say are the problem with dating?
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